By 9:00 AM, July 6th, 2007….

By 9:00 AM, July 6th….

July 6th, 2007 was the start of my second weekend. I walked in having completed my goals and asking myself did I play too small. Were those goals really the goals that would have moved me forward the best? What else could I have done? What else could I have chosen instead?

I was also questioning whether I played full out or not. One of my teammates and my buddy did not come back for second weekend. What could I have done, what did I miss that could have gotten them there? How could I have made it happen? I totally owned that as I walked into second weekend. It is typical of how I looked at life, always judging myself not by what I did but what I could have done. No breaks for me, no rest. It doesn’t help that when I take all that onto my shoulders I go into complete rebellion mode and don’t want to do ANYTHING. And… I made my goals.

I also learned something else. The week and half before second weekend I was sending out daily e-mails with anything I could think of to get my teammates over the wall. Inspiration, encouragement, questions, visual aids, anything that may be that one last thing that would have it all drop into place for them. What I learned about myself during that week and half was that my words could inspire. I learned that no matter what I believed, my creativity still lay inside of me – waiting for the spring sunshine and rainfall to emerge into life again and blossom without. I learned that my talent was not confine to paint and canvas but flowed out of my pores and into what ever I choose to touch. I learned to breathe again.

That was one year ago. One complete orbit of the earth around the sun, back to the beginning of the circle for yet another loop. Here we are again and what’s changed? Was it worth the money, time, tears, frustration and revelations that came? Would I ever choose to go back to who I was before? What is different? What is the same? Who am I now?

I can never go back to who I was before. Sometimes I can pretend that I could go back. Inside I know the truth. I can never unlearn what was learned then. Awareness is the first step and once I have that awareness I can never undo it. It’s that little rock that you get in your shoe but don’t want to stop to take it out. Once you feel it you can not ever forget that it’s there. So whatever happens from now on out – I can never go back.

Nor do I want to you, although there are times that this new me scares me and confuses me. Some of what I learned and some of the beliefs I am exploring make me wonder if I am crazy. But I smile more and laugh more and sometimes I am more tolerant. That is awareness I am still cultivating and expanding. I said to my husband a few days ago, as we lay in bed and I finally realized what I had been feeling inside of me for a while was, “I’m having so much FUN!” Both during my camp and during my training as a team leader I was given the “task” of doing something fun for me. And, man o man, both times it was challenge to come up with things. Now I don’t have to because I’m having fun with life. It is an amazing feeling – freeing and grounding at the same time. That in and of itself was worth the price of admission.

I did not transform the most in camp. No, that happened later, during my time as a team leader and training for that part. However, camp set that ground work. Within my camp experience I learned to challenge my beliefs and learned to allow myself the room to say “No” to what I choose not to accept into my life. I learned to be grounded into my truth and to allow others to be grounded in theirs. I learned that I matter, that what I want matters. I learned that my voice and my wisdom could make a difference in someone else’s life. I learned to say “I don’t know and I am still here to support you.” I learned to ask for support and that doesn’t mean I’m weak and helpless, it just means I need help. And that my asking for that help was a way to bless someone else. That was a huge revelation for me. By allowing myself to be supported I was giving a blessing to someone else. I learned that my husband lived his life in true choice while I took all the responsibility for our lives and as weight upon my shoulders because “someone had to do it”. (OK. Still working on that one. I freely admit I get totally pissed off when he still chooses not to pick up after himself or has to be told to help out around the house. Yeah, I KNOW – “What can I shift into?” So chalk that one up to one of things that didn’t change as much as I would have liked.) The biggest thing I learned in my camp experience was this. My life is what I choose to make it. Every day. Every moment. And I am always, always, always exactly where I need to be.

Have I “arrived”? Hell, no and I don’t want to. If it’s this much fun going through the journey why would I want to arrive at the destination? “Arrival” is just one more step, one more layer pulled back to reveal something else, one more thing to learned, one more growth to take. One next step. Who knows what will come my way next? It’s all good.

I can’t say that after camp I thought truly camp was worth it. One year later I can. Financially we are still the same and I am choosing something different for the years to come. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally things are so much better for me. So much more, well… solid. Rock solid you might say. On the way to being unconsciously competent, you could also say. Like I said – well worth the price of admission.

So… one year later I ask myself did I play small? Did I play full out? Maybe and maybe not and I choose to let myself off the hook if I did not. I played the best I knew how in that moment, at that time. I can honestly say as a team leader for 14, I played completely and totally full out and the ground work for that was, again, set in my own camp. Was there some other goals that would have served me? HA! That I asked that questions then shows how far I still had to travel. As with everything in camp – I got exactly what I needed. Exactly. You’ve come and long way, baby, and got a long way to go! Life is camp and camp is life.

Well worth the price of admission

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