Happy Holidays

There is no other time of year that feels as special to me as Christmas time. That warm, cozy feeling inside that makes you smile for no reason. I enjoy how all the world lights up for this time of year. The blinking of red and green, the flashing of silver and gold, all create a special glow that only seems to come out at Christmas time. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays is on every ones lips. Cards in the mail from relatives, vaguely remembered, but you’re glad to know are still around and that they still know your name, if not what you look like. It is a time where people think about family and try to come together in peace. A time to forget their differences and put aside the hard feelings, to come and be with each other. It is a time of love and hope. A time when you can really believe in peace on earth.

Each year I try to capture that feeling. I put on the Christmas music and wrap the presents in ribbons and bows. I analyze what is the best location for this ornament or that ornament and decorate the house with lights and Santas, all hoping to make that special feeling last and grow. I want to be in the Christmas spirit as soon as I can and for as long as I can. I love it and want it to extend as far as possible. It never seems to come soon enough or last long enough. Then it is gone, like fairy dust or a magic trick. Gone until next year, when I try to bring it alive sooner, and bigger, and better than before. I want it to last forever.

You see, I hate the New Year’s holiday. This is why I want the Christmas spirit to last. I want it to carry me through the inevitable depression and sadness that I wallow in every New Year’s Day. I want something to make that time bearable, something to brighten that day. Something. Anything.

For as long as I can remember I have disliked the New Year’s holiday. For one, I don’t drink and New Year’s is, if nothing else, perceived as a drinking holiday. Two, it is a couple’s holiday and I spent much of my life not being a “couple.” In fact, I never intended to be a couple, planned on dying an old spinster maid and was quite happy with that idea! That, however, is another story entirely. I mention it only to show that a “couple’s” holiday made for a very trying occasion.

I disliked the feeling of more time passing and nothing to show but age and bills. I hated looking at my life and seeing all that I failed to do, all that fell by the wayside, all the friends who had slipped from my daily perception and relegated to that “out of touch” folder. Each year as that time approached I would grow more and more distant, fold within myself, so I would not have to face the summing and totaling that I found happening within my mind on the first day of a different year. It happened regardless. Always. Inevitably.

My New Year’s attitude is a reflection of how I lived my life. Always reflecting on all that is not done, all that is still not done and how much more I still need to change. Never accepting where I am at this moment. Never taking joy in all that I have done. Never looking at what I have. Never looking into the reflection of my life and finding the blessings within. Never stepping into a state of gratitude and thankfulness about what was received in the last year.

This year, there weren’t many Santas and lights. The Christmas music played but as background music. There was not a desperate drive to pull in that spirit. There wasn’t the need. The spirit was inside me and I didn’t need the outside trappings to show that. I didn’t need the material show to prove that I had the elusive magic that only comes with Christmas. The magic has been there-a constant companion for many months. I was content with what was within myself.

The depression that came on New Year’s was a sneaky and slippery depression. It came in the form of a tiredness and wish for sleep. Instead of fighting that, I honored it. I spent much of my New Year’s day in my PJs and sleeping on the couch. No harsh “I didn’t do this. AGAIN”. No mental beating for what was not done. It was a reflection on all that had changed and a quiet promise of all that will come for the new year.

This year I did look at what I have and all that I accomplished. The “resolutions” I set are reflections of dreams that I want for myself and my family. If, at the end of this year, I look back and see that some of these were not accomplished – I will look on what was achieved in their place. What had I shifted when, perhaps, I realized that those dream were not what I truly wanted. I will spend the year in gratitude and thankfulness. I will spend the year in hope, in dreams, in forgiveness. I will release all that has been done and all that was not done for the past year and begin each day anew, begin each moment anew. Pay attention. Be present. Stay focused. I will not miss the miracles that are presented in each second. I won’t miss those miracles by dwelling on what

is gone and past. Live and grow and love in the moment.

In love and light

Celina

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